You're Not Alone
by your-average-fangirl-221b
Summary: Steve leaves behind two people he loved the most, and who loved him just as equally in a storm of raw grief. Agent Peggy Carter and Sergeant Barnes find comfort in each other as their strength is tested over the course of the first 12 hours of raw grief and guilt. A Beggy two-shot (Bucky x Peggy). Possible hints of romance if you squint.
1. Chapter 1

_**Author Note: Welcome to the 'Beggy' ship! (Bucky x Peggy) - Don't judge!**_  
 _ **This was based off an RP so apologies in advance for the shocking format of the way the story is written.**_  
 _ **The portrayal of James 'Bucky' Barnes belongs to my friend - all credit to them.**_  
 _ **The horrible portrayal of Peggy is by yours truly.**_

 **Part 1 of 2**

She heard the static over the radio. The noise covered the shattering sound of her heart when Steve's voice was abruptly cut off.  
And in that moment, in that second of a moment, she knew.  
She lost him.  
"Steve?" she whimpered into the two-way radio, begging for a miracle. But none came. "Steve?" she tried again but was met with just static. She couldn't breathe, she struggled to breathe, to hold back her tears, to be strong. But her world had come crashing down around her. She sat there, her heart open for everyone to see, and wept. Agent Carter; the woman not to be trifled with was now broken.

But, this _was_ Agent Peggy Carter we are talking about here. Despite how her own world stopped, the rest of the world kept moving. And she needed to as well. She knew what she had to do, what her next duty was. It wasn't something she wanted to do herself, but she knew it would be better coming from her than from a complete stranger...  
Taking a deep shuddering breath, She fixed herself up and walked out of that control room with her head held high. Colonel Phillips was waiting for her outside and she ignored the sympathetic look on his face. "I'd like to inform Sergeant Barnes before word gets out." she said, her voice wavered a little but there was determined strength behind it.

The Colonel lifted his hand to dismiss her. She didn't have to do this. He could easily send one of his men to spare her the pain of delivering the news to the best friend that was left behind. Agent Carter had endured enough pain for one day. "I'll get one of my men to do it." the Colonel offered.  
Peggy shook her head, her lips quivered and her eyes watered but she stubbornly held back from breaking down again. "No." she simply said as she took a deep breath. "He deserves to hear it from someone who knew St-Steve ... of his worth." She explained, stammering on uttering Steve's name.

The Colonel looked at the strong woman he had known and come to admire working alongside slowly break down. Or, in her case, remaining strong. He sighed but agreed nonetheless. Despite being her superior, he knew it best not to argue with Peggy.  
"I'll contact Dugan. See where they're at and have them meet at Headquarters when they get back."

Oh, that's right... They were still out on their mission...

Peggy had been so caught up in her sudden loss that she forgot the rest of the Howling Commandos were still out there. ' _Please let them come home safely'_ She mentally prayed as she closed her watery eyes momentarily, putting a halt to any tears that were threatening to escape.

"I'll inform Howard." She said, grateful that Colonel Phillips had found it in his military-striven heart to allow her to, at the very least, handle things personally to those who were close to Steve. Neither of them deserved to hear of Steve's death over a radio announcement. It was heartless. And one thing she knew Steve wasn't; it was that - heartless. The man's heart was the complete opposite; pure gold. Something that had quickly charmed her long before he became 'Captain America', long before he took the serum.

With a small nod of confirmation from the Colonel, Peggy took her leave. He watched her leave with her head held high and a confidence in her walk as she was now determined to carry out her new mission. Looking at her from behind with her poised walk of confidence, one would never have guessed that she just lost the love her of life.

While waiting for word on the whereabouts of the Howling Commandos, Peggy easily tracked down Howard Stark down at Headquarters where she quietly delivered the news to him, telling him to keep it under wraps until she could speak to the Howling Commandos.

He agreed, but it didn't stop him from abruptly leaving to assemble a team together to look for Steve, and the tesseract too - as the Colonel still had the unfinished mission of looking for that foreign object. However, he didn't remind Peggy about it - he felt she had enough to do already with placing more burden upon her shoulders by informing the Howling Commandos of Steve's death; even though they weren't strictly family - but they _were_ the only family Steve had.

"Agent Carter!" She heard her name being called and turned from staring at the map on the wall to see who had interrupted her thoughts. "Colonel Phillips is on the line."

Giving a nod, she followed whatever rank the officer was to the phones and picked up the receiver that was waiting for her.  
"Agent Carter." she briskly said, keeping her voice set to military tone while she waited, not wanting to risk wearing her emotions on her sleeve for the other men to see and make them think she wasn't cut out to be a woman in the military.

"Carter. They're on their way. Should be there within an hour."

"Thank you, Colonel."

"Take care, Agent." The stern voice ended the call, even though he still remained distant and cold with her, it was evident he did have a soft spot for her, hence the reason he told her to 'take care' but still called her by her respected title.

Peggy waited. Painstakingly waited. Seconds ticked by what felt like hours. She was pacing up and down the floor of the headquarter building, almost wearing the floorboards out beneath her heels. She glanced at the time. 15 minutes until they arrived. Her nerves were beginning to get the better of her, she could feel her emotions starting to bubble up inside her as time began to tick by, drawing the inevitable nearer.

Sighing, though it came out rather shakily much to her annoyance, she decided to take a walk to help clear her head and reset her inner turmoil. Upon her walk around the block, up and down the street, and then around the block again, she caught a glimpse of a crowd of green. Her brown orbs rested on that particular crowd and she began to make out who it was. Dum Dum Dugan leading the Howling Commando's back home with Sargent Barnes by his side.

Seeing them in the distance, she paused in her stride as she felt the waves of emotions wash over her once more. Perhaps this was a mistake. To openly deliver the news to someone about Steve's death was making it all the more real, despite being the level-headed person that she was, she desperately wished this wasn't real. That it was all just a horrible dream. A nightmare that she would wake up from at any given moment. But no. The pain in her heart was far too real for it to be a dream. She was trapped in a living nightmare. Pressing a hand to her stomach, she clutched at the material of her uniformed jacket as a source of an anchor point as took a moment to collect herself. Grounding her emotions and blinking back the tears that were threatening to spill. She had no idea how Sergeant Barnes would take the news, and she already had her moment to grieve. She gave an unladylike sniff to clear her nose, blinked back the tears and gave a soft sigh as she squared her shoulders and presented herself in a more professional state.

She walked over to them, quickly calling out his name before Dugan could happily state how happy he was to see her. "Sergeant Barnes? Might I have a word in private?" It wasn't a question. The words strung together to form a question, but her tone gave it the authority of an order. Her voice steady, giving away no hint as to what burden she was currently bearing.

Something that Barnes had personally come to learn with time in the service (although that itself wasn't very long), was that getting called aside in private was never usually a good thing. What possibly could've gone wrong in the time that he'd been gone? They were winning the war, at least it felt as such. Especially with a super-soldier on the team now and HYDRA camps being taken down one by one. The Howling Commandos alongside Captain America viewed as an unstoppable team.

Joy painting his expression became wary just for a second, that being enough to paint worry. But then again, Steve's girl, Carter, was delivering the news. So it couldn't be that bad, right? They would've sent a messenger for something huge, right? That was another thing that Bucky came to learn as well. If someone could push the job onto another poor sap, they would. That included delivering bad news.

Exchanging glances between soldiers just long enough to give reassuring smile and a gentle nod of the head. Hiding any concern that had just crossed his expression just a second ago. Head swiveling back to meet Agent Carter's and another gentle nod to follow.

" 'Course, ma'am." Turning his attention back to the Howling Commando's, he excused himself with the promise of a regroup later, "I'll be right back then we all can go out for drinks." Chipper attitude, as always. Always seeming to smile even in worst of times - It was just part of who Barnes was.

Internally? He was panicking and trying to convince himself whatever he was about to be told or instructed to do, wouldn't be as bad as he anticipated. Raising a hand to push away stray chestnut strands of his own hair and a gesture of hand for the female to lead way.

Peggy waited patiently as Sergeant Barnes spoke briefly to his comrades in arms, a stab of pain hit her heart at seeing how happy they all were knowing she would be the one to bring down that happiness. And that shared drink of celebration would be turned into a drink of remembrance, or possibly into a night of drinking in mourning. Neither of which she could blame them. She, herself, would be in need of a whiskey. Or three.

Right now, however, she had a mission and it was her duty to the army, the country and to Steve, to carry it out.

Receiving the signal from Barnes that he was ready to follow her, she abruptly turned on her heels and lead them away from the group, further down the street.

No words were spoken between the two as she didn't bother with small-talk, afraid that her emotions would become the enemy in this particular war. Keeping quiet allowed her to regain her composure that was threatening to slip.

At that moment? Bucky could possibly drop. This was a moment he could breathe and take a break, not have to worry about bullets firing and lodging into his flesh and muscle. Something that didn't occur often in times like these. That's why he wanted to savor it, find joy in it, and even meet up with his best friend when he returned from his own mission and grab a drink with him.

Talk, make sure Steve was holding up alright. Keep him for any length of time that Peggy wasn't occupying. Nothing against her, he simply missed his practical brother, too.

Each lost in their own individual thoughts as Peggy led them further down the street before turning around a corner and leading them down a side street, where she then lead them into an abandoned building that had clearly seen better days. However, it would give them ample amount of privacy, especially if the Sargent acted out; she had wanted to spare him the humiliation of onlookers gawking at the scene.

Grief was very dangerous. She had watched her mother go through it, she - herself - went through it with losing her brother to the war. One might think she ought to be used to it. But no. It was still just as painful.

Some people broke down and cried, others acted out in anger or hostility - out for blood. An eye for an eye.

Of course, he always had the option to storm out - of which she would not follow.

"You got me in suspense here, ma'am. I didn't do somethin' wrong, right? Or are you assigning me elsewhere? Or better yet, sendin' me home? I already told you all, being held hostage at HYDRA hell, didn't make me any less capable. Don't wanna leave my country dangling if I can help it." Bucky was already filling the silence so his own thoughts wouldn't scream at him possibility after possibility of what their little meaning could mean.

He'd already been offered to go home if he wanted, given what HYDRA put Barnes through, but he, instead, chose to stay and fight. The option had been pressed a few times by Steve himself, but again, he neglected such. If Carter was here to lather the very same choice, he might very well have to punch something to try and make a point.

Now that they were here, she suddenly found herself at a loss of words. How on earth could she deliver such a thing so delicately? Does she begin with an explanation that led up to Steve's demise or just come right out and say it? How cruel and heartless the latter would be! But she certainly didn't want to start with _'I'm so sorry'_ because that was just utter poppycock in her mind. Especially when it came from errand boys who had no care over the person that had been killed.

She swallowed thickly, taking a deep breath as she ignored his ramblings and did her best to break the news to him as gently as she could without her breaking down herself. "Sergeant Barnes..." she started, hushing his ramblings with a frown. Her chest rising and falling with each heavy breath she took as her emotions welled up inside her and had no way to be released except through deep and steady breaths.

"Steve is ... dead." she softly said, almost choking on her words but she held back with a clear of her throat.

"He crashed the plane over the Arctic waters...sacrificing himself...Howard's out there looking for him...but..."

But they'll only be bringing back a dead body. Even with the serum inside Steve, he was still just as mortal as any other man and there was no way he'd be able to survive it.

"I'm so sorry" she whispered, tears welling up in her own eyes but she blinked them back. And she was, she was truly sorry for his loss. Because she felt the heart-wrenching pain as well.

She held her breath as she watched him closely, studying him. Trying to analyze what type of move he was going to make as he processed the information. She didn't know him well enough to predict his behavior. But she did know how important he was to Steve, how much Steve meant to him - which was why she chose to tell him personally than through a messenger boy.

Steve was...? No. No, that wasn't possible. That wasn't right. No, this was a cruel joke, probably organized by Stark for his sick kicks. That's what this was. Carter would start laughing any second and Bucky would be sour over such a cruel thing.

Seconds of a blank expression - Waiting. Waiting for that quirk of a smile and quiet laugh that would prove theory. It never came.

All of it seeking through Bucky's cracks, that his best friend, the very man he swore his life to protect, was gone. And he couldn't do a damn thing to rip him back from the claws of death itself. Steve was really gone.

Crystal blue eyes widened and pupils constricted. Crystal eyes robbed of any innocence the war itself hadn't yet touched and destroyed like it had anything else it came to contact with. The slivers of Barnes that remained from Hydra's destruction and the war's trauma was almost immediately crushed. Steve, of all people, was supposed to outlive this. Bucky was supposed to be the first one to go, that's how it always played out in his own head.

Bucky would die in the war, he wouldn't get to come home to Steve like he was supposed to. Someone would tear life away from Bucky before the impurity of the world touched Steve. That's how it was supposed to be. Hell, Steve wasn't even supposed to be here. Steve was supposed to be safe in their shared apartment. This was what Bucky had strived for years to prevent, just this. They poked and prodded at him like a lab rat and injected him with God knows what. That in itself was terrible enough. He found Redskull himself right after finding Bucky. That was even worse. Now he was dead.

What kind of cruel God would allow such a thing?

A breathy chuckle left quivering lips and a very visible uncomfortable smile painted his face. Dread completely enveloping him and his brain trying to process everything he just lost. His best friend was no more. Steve Rogers was no more. All because this stupid army, this stupid war, this stupid life couldn't just let him live as he deserved.

In peace.

And by Peace, Bucky didn't mean lodged in ice in the wreckage of a plane to die from the freezing cold alone by himself if the crash didn't kill him first.

Brow knitting and eyes quickly filling with tears that threatened to spill over. Shoulders dropping from where they were once tense and it was as if the sergeant's whole life just came shattering down around him. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Steve was supposed to live, that was the only thing that made Bucky happy about that serum. It would keep Steve alive. How could Stark do this? How could Carter let this happen? He didn't belong in war, Steve never belonged out here, but they let him out here anyway. There was a reason he was always declined a spot in the army. This was exactly why.

A whole collision of emotion overwhelmed Bucky. Anger. Sorrow. Loss. Grief. Pain.

"No.." A soft whisper at first, just barely audible. "No. No, you're lying. No. No, I'm gonna go back to my bunk, he's gonna come back, and everything is gonna be fine. Steve's fine. He's gonna come on back, he's gonna have that stupid-perfect smile, and everything will be fine."

Denial.

Peggy could do nothing except to watch helplessly as grief finally washed over his usually joyous features. The first tell-tale sign was his brows knitting together, followed by the drop of the hopeless smile he wore on his face, the sag of his shoulders as his body crumbled beneath the weight of the news. And if that wasn't anything to go by to someone who has a sharp eye like Peggy, then it was his watery glazed eyes that were still searching hers before they tore themselves off of her and began dancing back and forth, searching the room for answers.

She took a deep breath as his voice finally cut through the silence, denying it all. If it wasn't for the sound of his voice filling the air, it would have been the sound of her heart shattering further.

She didn't dare speak. She knew if she did, her voice would break, and then so would the dam, flooding her own features with tears again. And she couldn't be in such a state when Sergeant Barnes was teetering on the edge of one himself.

Hands lifted to entangle in his own chestnut tresses. Raking digits through and slicking disheveled hair back repeatedly, on the practical verge of ripping them out. Eyes wide and a weight heavy on his chest that left him panting. Struggling to fill aching lungs, desperate to fully fill. The weight of the world slammed down onto Bucky's broad shoulders and he was trying with all his strength not to crumble under it all. That seemed too much easier. To just let it kill him.

Streams of tears beginning to pour down his cheeks as the dam broke. A clenched jaw and teeth bared, pain crossing Bucky's face. Almost as if someone had just delved a blade into his chest - Except this hurt so much more.

Peggy silently continued to watch him, observe him, through gentle mournful eyes, remaining quiet until she felt the need to speak. Disrupting him might cause him to lash out at her, and she was hoping to avoid the violence and hostility that is known to come with grief.

But the pain that flooded the Sargent's face along with the tears, had caused Peggy to take a step forward closer to him.

" Please... Please, tell me you're fuckin' with me... Please, Peg, please.." Begging to be told this wasn't real. "Carter, PLEASE." A trembling voice - Bucky had never been so broken, not even in the clutches of HYDRA to which they tortured him and leaving him under the impression he'd never see the light of day.

What truly tore at her broken aching heart was hearing him call her 'Peg' as he pleaded. Begged. For anything but this. She knows this feeling too well. But for Sergeant Barnes to call her by her first name... It's never happened before. It was always 'ma'am', or 'Agent Carter'.

Only Steve had called her by her first name.

Of course, not that she minded, it was merely an observation.

It was personal to be on first name basis, and she understood how personal this situation was to the both of them. Their rankings and professional status be damned to hell!

"I'm so sorry. I'm so-" her breath caught in her throat as she whispered those words, "So sorry" she breathed as she stepped up to him and finally offered physical contact to him. She had given his space to breath but when he begged for this not to be true, pleaded with her name, she couldn't just stand idly by and let grief consume him.

She avoided using his name, mostly because she wasn't sure if 'Bucky' was something more personal to him with Steve and she didn't want to overstep that line so insensitively.

One hand reached out for his arm, giving it a gentle squeeze, allowing him to either push her away if he wasn't ready for the physical comfort, or to give her permission to pull him in close. Everything was screaming in her body to wrap her arms around him as though she could squeeze the pain away...

Confusion adding into the mixture of everything else that currently piled onto Bucky's heart. Questioning what he was supposed to do now - As it seemed to light at the end of the tunnel went dark; Leaving Barnes alone to be consumed by the ebony black. They could torture Bucky, hell, they could kill him, and it wouldn't be like this. His whole purpose was stripped off his backside, the whole reason he was here, gone with a snap of his fingers.

This was how nightmares played out. The only difference is by now, Barnes would've shot upright in a cold sweat and gasping only to discover the horrors weren't real. If he was asleep, it was time to wake up.

At that moment, he hadn't even taken into account how hard this must be for Peggy, too. All he could think about was his loss and his want to grab Steve by the hand and rip him back to life. Steve spent his whole life in pain, struggling to breathe, being overlooked and mistreated. And right when the universe gave him what he finally deserved? It ripped it away from him again - Only far worse this time.

Mind blanking out in a flurry, barely even able to register the agent's touch at first. Looking at her hand and falling still, narrowed eyes looking as if it were unreal. Senses overwhelmed and a need to destroy something surged through him. He wanted to be destructive, express the rage and sorrow burrowing deep inside. Scream his throat raw and cry until he passed out. That's what he _wanted_. But right now they were in the amidst of war and Bucky couldn't afford an outburst that might permanently falter him.

Instead, he swallowed it hardly while waterfalls still poured down his cheeks. Trying to push it all down, sit on the lid and pray it doesn't force open and explode.

All he could do instead was grab onto Carter's wrist. Give a sharp pull to the female - A rather rough touch for a woman when usually he was so delicate - and tug her inward. Closing the space between the both of them and linking arms around her tightly. Melting into a warm embrace and burying his head against her shoulder with pursed lips to try and keep his cries quiet. Instead pained noises stuck in his throat while his whole frame trembled like a leaf in harsh winds.

Peggy's eyes widened in slight fear the moment she felt his fingers wrap around her wrist. Oh no. She had provoked that grief-stricken violence within him. Something she had been trying to avoid. She knew Barnes wasn't the type to inflict violence upon women, but grief, as it's been stated, was a dangerous field.  
However, she was taken by surprise when her body was pulled in towards his body rather than flush up against a wall from being pushed away with blame placed upon her.  
Arms were frozen mid-air from being suddenly pulled into a hug. Perhaps it was the grief that delayed her otherwise sharp intellect when it came to gauging others reactions and reacting herself.

Upon feeling the weight of the broken man on her shoulders, clinging to her as though she were his only source of a lifeline, followed by sounds that tugged ever so painfully at her heartstrings making her gasp a sound that was a mix of sympathy and her own heartache showing through.

Her arms immediately came Sergeant Barnes's frame, one arm around his shoulders, clutching tightly at his uniform, balling the olive green material in her fist, the other hand entangling in the brown locks of his hair. Holding him securely to her; as though she feared that he, too, would be ripped from her so suddenly. She forced herself to keep breathing deeply, long slow breaths - otherwise, she would have broken down by now, especially at hearing the heartbreaking sounds coming from Barnes himself.

She couldn't afford to break down again. She had her moment to grieve and any other grieving could be done in her own privacy. She had to remain strong for Steve. Because she had to get his best friend through this. It wasn't fair on him if his only source of a lifeline was breaking down too. She had to be strong for Barnes.

And for the Howling Commandos.

Oh, she still had to deliver the news to the Howling Commandos. The mere thought of this sent another tidal wave of grief wash over her and she squeezed her eyes shut, letting her head drop to the Sergeant's shoulder as she quietly composed herself. The only audible sound she made was the faint shuddering of each breath she took, her lungs and chest constricting her from breathing properly as she pushed herself through the tidal wave of emotions.

In reality, Bucky wasn't sure whether the hug was for him or for her. He could see the pain in Carter's eyes though, see how much she was hurting but trying to hold together for everyone's sake. Especially her own. Chances are, she needed this just as much as the sergeant did.

A strange sensation clouding Bucky through all of this. In the mix of havoc and chaos, there was a form of calm in her presence. Stability. Clinging to her, it was as if the light Steve provided that was extinguished came back in gentle flickers. Redirecting Bucky's dance in the darkness and attempting to lead him back, to which Bucky desperately chased after.

She was calm in the storm, even if it was just the faintest of it. Bucky needed Peggy right now because even if they weren't well acquainted, they both loved Rogers more than the world could comprehend. She understood the storm inside.

She didn't speak. Not because she _couldn't_ speak, but more so because there was just nothing that could be said.

What could she say?

'I'm sorry for your loss' would be her sounding like a broken record player.

'It's going to be okay'? because it wasn't. Barnes had just lost his childhood best friend, his brother-in-arms, and she lost someone she had love.

Once word got out, things might be different between the grieving pair. Blame placed upon her since Peggy Carter was the last person to speak to Steve. So far no one knew that she begged for him to not do this, she begged for him to let her get Howard on the line because he'll know what to do. But it was too late. The logical part of her knew this. But the grieving part of her should have listened to her gut feeling and call Howard. And of course, no one knew that she sat there and listened to the static that became the worst sound of death to ever ring in her ears. She had helplessly called out his name into nothing but static. So, supposedly it was her fault. How would Barnes react then? Word would eventually get out.

There were no words that could take the sting out of the pain, though he did appreciate Carter's prior efforts at an apology. This wasn't her fault, although Bucky did want someone to blame. And for a second or two there, he did find himself forcing that weight onto her - Only to yank it off shortly after. The only bone he had to pick with the female in his arms right then and there that she let Steve be injected with the god-awful serum. Wishing that she could've used her authority somehow and forced it all to stop. Let Steve simply be instead of dragging innocence into war only to be demolished like everything else.

It was wrong for the sergeant to blame her, he understood this. But in times like these, right there and then, he wanted someone to blame. He wanted to be angry at someone, lunge at someone and scream at them. Point the finger and watch them crush under the burden they were now forced to bear for taking away Steve Roger's life.

But he couldn't.

Bucky hadn't felt this exposed since he was a child. But here he was right then and there, clinging to a woman higher in power than he was and that barely knew him, sobbing and trembling like a child. A sense of selfishness washed over him. Carter was hurting, she had to be, and while she served as his rock right then and there for this all, Bucky wanted to do the same.

Taking a deep breath - Or atleast trying to. It took him a few tries to get a deep enough inhale to force the oxygen to rush through his lungs, but once he was able, his breathing slowly began to become controlled. Every second felt like hours dragging. The brunet was unsure how long they'd even been there; minutes, a half hour, he didn't know. All he knew was that the world came to a crashing halt and he wanted to make sure Carter was alright, too (although it was extremely evident she wasn't).

What was once quiet cries now was utilized to silence. Hands that gripped uniform bunched into fists slowly released. A tense form now falling into forced ease and faux strength. Pulling apart their forms just long enough for Slate eyes to meet chocolate and lips to pull into a hard line.

Having heard his painful cries quieten down, her arms still remained around his frame in their embrace, until she felt him pull away. Only then did she loosen her grip, letting her hand fall away from his locks, as well as releasing the material of his uniform that she balled up in her fist.

Her brown orbs immediately searched for his blue ones, worried about his emotional state, worried what was running through his mind. But she didn't have to ponder too much on that thought as he seemed to have answered her unasked question by apologizing. Her brows knitted upwards in empathy and the tears stung at her eyes that were desperate to be let out of the jar they were trapped in since she was refusing to open the lid and let them flow freely.

"I'm so sorry.." Now it was his turn to apologize, though it was unclear what he was uttering it for. A meek and hoarse voice spitting apology after apology. "M'so fuckin' sorry.."

Was he apologizing for his outburst? Maybe gripping her tightly by the wrist? No, he was apologizing for her loss as if he were the one who did it. That's where he could pivot blame, onto himself. If he was present with Rogers, maybe he could've prevented the loss of a hero. If Bucky were to perish, only a few would bat eyes. It wouldn't be such a tragic loss considering the only person Bucky ever had was Steve. It wouldn't have been so bad if Bucky died. But Steve? He was adored. He was loved. He was cherished.

Bucky could've found a way to protect him somehow. Instead, though, he failed. He failed Steve, he failed Carter, and he failed this whole country because he wasn't right there with Steve to protect him like he was born to do.

"I'm so sorry.." Another apology, eyes glassy and looking as if he might burst into tears again. Yet they never spilled over again, instead, profuse blinking forced them back. Instead of pulling Carter again for selfish comfort, instead, he reiterated the hug differently. Pulling her head to his chest, and wanting to help the mourning agent find relief. Bottling it was unhealthy, it'd be her own undoing to keep it all held inside.

He did what he could, holding Peggy gently now in comparison to a moment ago when he clung to her for dear life. Heavy arm linked around her waist and held her to his chest, hand cupping the back of her head and finger intertwining with dark tresses. Leaving enough strength subsided so that if Carter were to deny embrace (which Barnes wouldn't hold against her), she could.  
"I'm sorry.."

 _'Oh god... No. Don't do this to yourself, Barnes.'_ she thought to herself, unable to speak the words. Because if she did...it'd be her opening the lid to her feelings...and she couldn't...Not now. She had just regained her strength back. And she needed that strength for her next task on breaking the news to the Howling Commandos. It wouldn't be just one person she was dealing with. It would be eight men. Each reaction would be different. But it was nothing she couldn't handle. Or so she assumed.

Too caught up in her thoughts, she didn't register Bucky moving slightly closer to her, or her to him? She didn't know. She felt his arms wrap securely around her, pressing her against him. Not forcefully... it was...welcomed. Which was strange for Carter as she doesn't normally offer nor welcome the physical touch of another man unless they want to come face-to-face with either her fist or the barrel of a gun. Their choice.

But then again... this wasn't a normal situation to begin with either.

Nevertheless, her own arms wrapped around him in a more gentle embrace than when she had his uniform balled tightly in her fists. Her head resting against his chest where she could hear the rhythmic pump of his heart beat against his chest. It was a little erratic, but it was also understandable. Emotions were running high left, right, and center. "It's not your fault, Barnes. You mustn't think that." She murmured firmly - her voice surprisingly steady despite the thickness of emotions still evident but was clearly being hidden or forced down. Denied.

She didn't know him well enough or for very long, but she hazard a guess that he wasn't one to swear profanities around women - again, she could be wrong. But it was that particular apology that she immediately knew he was blaming himself. Which was why she dropped formalities, social class and ranking altogether. Right now, she couldn't give a damn who gave orders and who didn't, who knew Steve more and who didn't.

There would be no blame from her that Bucky had a lifetime of Steve whereas she had only begun her the start of her lifetime with him - only for it be torn from her.

Right now... they were just two broken souls missing one person together.

"You've been through so much, ma'am.. How you're not sheddin' a tear right now is beyond me. Either you're heartless or strong beyond belief." That last comment being a joke, of course. Peggy was far from heartless - Even with lack of interaction between two, Bucky could read that much from her. Chances were it was the exact opposite, actually. A heart too big for the body and a heart that didn't belong in war. Just like Steve. Yet that's where both ended up.

The thing about Peggy though, was that she was used to carrying more weight than she was supposed to. She grieved the loss of her brother for five minutes in privacy before pulling herself together in order to help get her parents through the loss of their child. It wasn't just about painful losses though, she had the burden of being a woman. Which meant that she had to repeatedly fight just to be seen before she had to fight even more to prove her capabilities. It was a man's world where a woman certainly didn't belong. But she was going to change that. Which meant squaring her shoulders and taking every bullet that penetrates her skin. Because with each bullet she took, it only made her that much more stronger.

Unfortunately, this particular set back was unraveling all that she had proven to herself and to others. However, her head was still held high in her grief. She refused to break down into hysterics just to give men the satisfaction that she clearly wasn't equipped to dealing with the death and destruction that came with war.

Barnes' attempt to lighten up the mood didn't go unnoticed. In fact, it brought a small smile upon her face and a small chuckle against his chest, especially at debating whether she was heartless or too strong for her own good. It's probably why her and Steve connected so well together; Both their hearts beat strong on both emotional and moral grounding.

Now... Only one heart was beating instead of two.

"I'll tell the commandos, alright..? You don't gotta do nothin' else, ma'am.. I'll take care of it." Soft reassurance in a broken tone.

She sighed softly at the mention of the Howling Commandos. No. She had to do this. She couldn't pass that burden on to Barnes. Gently easing away from him, her brown orbs rested on a random spot on her skirt, "It's quite alright, Sergeant. I'm perfectly capable of telling them myself. They'll have questions that only I could provide them answers with."

She certainly hadn't meant to sound as condescending as she did, especially reverting back to calling him 'Sargent', establishing the ranking of authority between to the two. Of course, if he fought her on it, she would allow him to do so. She understood. It was the exact same thing with the Colonel - feeling it was her duty from the heart to be the one to break the news before it was done so coldly and cruelly through someone or something else (like a radio announcement).

It was as she said, they might have questions of what happened, how it came about. The closure was the least she could provide for them in means of comfort if they didn't choose to seek comfort from her. Dugan might; he always had a soft spot for Peggy. Not on a romantic scale, more of a platonic. But the rest... they'd either find comfort amongst themselves or at the bottom of a bottle - to which she couldn't blame them.  
And it would be here that she would take her leave and allow them the privacy of their grieving.

Her brown eyes lifted to his, "You've been through enough." she explained in a half-hidden apology as her hand reached out and slender fingers wrapped around rougher, warmer ones, giving it a gentle squeeze.

At the end of the day, they had both lost someone dear... but her pain was only small compared to what Barnes would be feeling. Losing a childhood best friend, a brother... He didn't deserve to be suffering like this, and he certainly didn't deserve to go through it all again by delivering the news to the Howling Commandos.

Rejecting the offer of Barnes being the bearer of bad news, it brought a frown to highlight his expression. Watching her part and making no means of effort to close that space again. It was wrong to do such a thing - Even their current authority and situation aside. Never force something on another human being that was not consented or wanted. It was just one of the morals that Barnes stood by; it was something _everyone_ should've stood by, actually.

Even if the others had questions that beckoned to be answered, she didn't have to do this on her own. If she wouldn't let the sergeant do it himself, the least she could permit was him to assist in doing such a thing. She was trying to take on tasks that were exceeding of strength limit, she was trying to hold everyone together and even herself. Taking care of her own being was hard enough, let alone anyone else that was close to Roger's.

A faint sniffle leaving Barnes, wiping his nose faintly and averting attention away from the Agent just long enough to try and pull himself back to senses; Peggy averting her own eyes turn, enabling him the privacy needed to compose himself. There'd be time later for him personally. After the war, there'd be time for him to lash out and release boiling turmoil. Not right now, not while Peggy was standing here carrying a heavy burden that would make the strongest men's knees buckle and bust. Bucky could at least split the weight and ease slim shoulders. Steve would never let him hear the end of it if Bucky let a lady handle such a task on her own.

Nothing sexist involved, no, it was instead manners, respect, having a heart.

"Ma'am, I... M'not usually one for arguing with orders, but just... At least lemme help. You don't gotta do this on your own, Carter.." Formalities returning, Bucky reaching out to clap a hand against her uniform-clad shoulder. A thumb gently rubbing into her left clavicle and giving her one of those similar buddy holds he'd give to his guys.

Maybe not the best approach, but still trying to take the steps to close the gap between authority right now. Carter was... well, she was known for her reputation of being a tad bit touchy at times. Hell, just give her a look the wrong way and she might bust your shins with her heels. A woman to be feared but in all the best ways and for the greater reasons.

Perhaps it was Barnes' gentle caress to clavicle that made it hard to say 'no' to him. She certainly didn't want Barnes to go through it all again, to have those feelings dredged right back up in a few minutes when delivering the news to the Commandos, to be the one responsible for wiping the smile of victory off their faces - only to be replaced with the worst pain imaginable; the pain of death.

At the same time, if she were to picture herself in that position... How would she fair? As strong as she was, even she had her breaking points. She would've delivered the news to them, answered any questions ... And then what? Grieve with them? Gone home and grieve by herself? The latter was rather dangerous. But her Mother and Father were all the way in England, and the one other person she could rely on was ... Gone.  
"Alright." She managed a soft response with a smile that quivered slightly at wanting to break down again but she was clearly fighting the urge to. Knowing if she succumbed to her grief, it would be the end of her. At least for today. And she had one more task in front of her before she could open the gates to the dam within.

They would deliver the news to the Howling Commandos together. Or at least, Peggy would take the lead with Barnes backing her up, or stepping in on her behalf.

"You wanna join the boys n' I after this..? I'll get drinks tonight - Just... Ain't good for you to be alone right now. Don't gotta agree, ma'am. Never gonna force a hand on something you don't wanna do, even if you weren't higher in rank than me and could have my ass out of work for just lookin' at you the wrong way." Another added comment in an attempt to raise a mood that sunk so deep even the darkest depths of the ocean had lost it.

Barnes' voice pulled Peggy out of her thoughts, slightly taken aback at the sudden offer.  
"I don't know Sargent. It's thoughtful of you to offer."  
But she didn't know how the Howling Commandos will react to the news, and whether or not they would want her around... As illogical as that was to someone like Peggy, her grief was still just as strong as her own inner strength. Right now, the two turmoil storms were butting heads, making any logical sense become blurred.

Giving her a tired, half grin. One that was forced and fake but he was still trying none the less. Still trying to secure Carter like how Steve would've tried. If he were only here, he'd do such a better job... Thoughts coming to pause and brow knitting. If Steve were here, he'd thump Bucky in the back of the head for being so torn up. He'd laugh and eventually gain a hearty one out of Bucky, too.  
Bottom lip beginning to quiver at the thought but quickly stabbing pins into that balloon. No. Focus, Bucky.  
"Please...?"

Hearing the plead in his tone, she bit her bottom lip in thought. She didn't quite fancy going to the Stork Club to get drinks. Mostly due to the fact that there was a promise of a dance at the Stork Club; a dance that she'll never get. Entering the building would be opening the lid to her tightly concealed jar of grief.

At the same time, however, she also didn't want to leave Barnes in this state either. Especially under the influence of the Howling Commandos. In fact, the lot of them would need that woman's touch, that woman's supervision to stop them from doing anything stupid. Because they were boys, and boys had the tendency to do the most stupidest things sometimes. At least her being their, with the aid of her ranking too, she could keep them in line. But she'd only dare pull rank if she deems it necessary. Otherwise, she'll just be another grieving friend alongside them.

Sighing softly, she placed her hand on Barnes' forearm and gave it a gentle squeeze with her fingers before retracting her hand. "Alright. I'll be there." She didn't miss the quiver in his bottom lip when he almost begged for her to come.  
It wasn't going to be easy, mentally or emotionally, but she'll just have to bite the bullet for Barnes' sake. It was the least she could do for him right now.

Letting out a shaky sigh at the inevitable they're both about to face, she tugged at her uniformed jacket and took a deep breath in, inhaling slowly before exhaling slowly. A few deep breaths was all she needed to reset herself. Lifting two perfectly manicured fingers to her eyes, she pressed them gently to the caruncle of her eyes, soaking up any remaining tears as she poised herself for the aftershocks of what follows the main shock.

She cleared her throat and swallowed; perhaps a little too loudly, before glancing over to Barnes. "Are you ready Sergeant Barnes?" She asked, her voice lilting a little with emotion, but otherwise remaining strong and steady. For now. Time will soon tell how it quickly it might all change.

A faint nod signaled that he was indeed ready to face this with her, not that he really wanted to do it, though. It was more along the lines of something that had to be done - There was no running from it. They could do it with one another though and make such a task easier. Bucky wouldn't have to struggle so much on his own - But there was no doubt he was going to try to get as wasted as possible before his head hit the pillow tonight.

"Honestly, ma'am, not at all. Much rather run from this one, between you n' I. But that's not really an option. We both got this, alright? I got you, even if you're not too keen on that, it'd be wrong to knowingly neglect your feelings right now.." Still, there was blame on Bucky. Silent guilt that would eat away at him. But for now, they were acquired with a task to be fulfilled.

Straightening up a small bit, adjusting his own uniform. Hands dragging across fabrics to push out the folds and then running fingers through his hair. One more good rub to his eyes, to his face, hide the tears that had spilled over not too long ago.

A deep breath, a deep exhale.

"Right... You good to go? You sure you can do somethin' like this, ma'am..? I know you feel like you gotta, but you don't... I just want you to know that."

The thought process of 'What would Steve do?' and making decisions that would be right by Steve, carry on his legacy and what Peggy aspired to be was the reason she had found herself in this situation.

But she wasn't alone. Barnes was right beside her. No doubt, doing the same... Ensuring that Steve's impact on their lives was not left in vain. That they carried on - hoping he'd be proud of them.

"Yes. Let's go." she said as Barnes seemed to have fully composed himself by now and was seemingly ready for their hardest task ahead of them.

Locating the Howling Commando's shouldn't be too hard... Just follow the sounds of merry men who were unknowingly about to get their hearts crushed.  
Silence stretched between Carter and Barnes, except for the heavy footsteps of his boots and the click-clack of her heels. The silence was welcomed for Peggy though. She didn't want to fill the void with unnecessary small talk, nor did she want to risk losing their individual composures with what little strength they managed to scrape from the bottom of a dry well.

Most men would often raise gaze to a man above them; one who was strong, fearless, courageous. Though the only living soul that Barnes found himself looking up to as if they were mounted on a pillar was Carter right now. How she was able to keep herself held, how she was able to spare smiles and kindhearted tendency to assure everyone else was okay but attending to herself. It was something that Bucky found himself both admiring and fearing. Such an unhealthy thing to do, but a strength that only proved that the agent was truly a force to be reckoned with.

Under different circumstances, he'd praise her for such a thing. Barnes could often hold himself together properly, but right now? His knees had buckled and legs gave way beneath him. This woman had been present to break the fall, to physically and metaphorically hold him and all his broken pieces. Keep everything in place.

Bucky never thought less of Carter for sex - It just wasn't who he was. He'd be extremely honest, there were times where he preferred a man in charge, but only because there were knits in time where opposing sex applied strange. Like her coming into dorm one of the times Bucky overslept - Unfortunate Barnes in nothing but briefs and must rather wishing it'd been the colonel. Even if he did get his ear scolded off.

Though even minor incidents such as that aside, Bucky did hold respect for Peggy. Including outside work, of course. He didn't know her personally, but she'd been there during his basic training and held stern even with obnoxious and immature comments because of her originality and sex.

Point being, James did look up to Peggy.

That protective instinct settling in similar how to it would with Steve, wanting to pull her in and hold her until all the busted pieces melded back together. Keep her protected in place of Steve because it's what he would've done, just for her.

Of course he didn't do such a thing, instead continued to give her a faint reassuring smile and a slight nod of his cranium. It was going to be tough, all of this was. It was to be expected with loss, with mourning, with grief. But they didn't have to do it alone.

Brothers in arms, that was the military's motto, right?


	2. Chapter 2

_**Author Note: Completed! Please read & review! First Peggy x Barnes (Beggy)  
James Barnes' portrayal credit to my friend.  
Peggy Carter portrayal courtesy of yours truly. **_

**Part 2 of 2**

"Agent Carter! As I live and breathe!" came the booming voice of Dum Dum Dugan. Her shoulders tensed at hearing the informal joy of seeing her. Dugan had gained a hell of a lot of respect for Carter when she, well, decked a Soldier for sexist remark - much like she had the same situation with Steve. Dugan had quickly become one of few men who would willingly follow Agent Carter into battle and be proud to serve under her.

"Dugan." she greeted, though the joyful reunion wasn't reciprocated in her. She looked past him, addressing the group; not being able to make eye contact with him, knowing that in a few moments that joyful smile will be wiped off his face with the deliverance of a few words in a matter of seconds.

Remaining silent when Carter greeted his squad, Barnes stood at attention. Shoulders squared as Carter did, standing tall with an easy going expression. Internally he was a wreck, only a thin string of thread holding everything together that could easily break and Bucky along with. Feigning strength just as Carter did for the time being and planning to cover it all with jokes and laughter to grieve all on his own when eyes were no longer fixated on the sergeant. In the open though, he wore the mask so neatly that at first glance, it'd be hard to believe that internally there was disaster and havoc.

"Gentleman. If you'd follow me please?" She lead them back into the Headquarters building, Barnes following beside her, perhaps a couple of steps behind her. Opening the door to the empty conference room, she held it open and let them trickle in one at a time before her eyes glanced up at Sergeant Barnes, almost as though she was looking for strength.

Barnes knew better than to offer physical reassurance with Agent Carter, even if it was just as trivial as a pat to her shoulder. Instead, with the fixed smile upon his face, he gave her firm nod with reassurance portraying through his blue eyes. A look only the two shared.

A small, sharp nod came from her return before she let out a harp exhale, squaring her shoulders and walked in the room with confident footsteps and her head held high. Some of the Commandos were sitting down at the table, others were standing towards the back.

Peggy stood at the front of the table, ready to address the men. Delicate fingertips rested lightly on the wooden table, her head hung a little as she thought best how to address them. But like she had with Barnes, there was no best possible way to address them.

The room was quiet. No doubt because it was extremely odd that Carter, of all people was the one who had called this 'meeting'. And without the presence of the Colonel nonetheless. Not to mention Captain America! She could only hazard a guess that most were sitting in silent curiosity, and possible even worry too. Especially when there was no joyous expression on Barnes nor Peggy's features. A laid back aura to Barnes, even when being called into meeting, only difference was that a cheeky smile turned into a more-so stern expression. Knowing delivery would be difficult for Carter, hence why he stood right alongside her through the duration of explanation.

"Hours ago...our Captain..." she started but could already feeling what little strength she had immediately leaving her, running away just like her and Barnes would have liked to do earlier.

"...our friend..." Her voice broke on that last word. He was more than a friend to all of them, and in different ways too. Brown eyes glanced over to Barnes; not for help, but for strength. When her voice croaked, when words became to difficult to muster, The sergeant turned head to look at her and provided yet another compassionate smile. Blue eyes met brown with the return of silent words of 'I'm right here.' the same look Peggy exchanged before upon entering. Brown eyes lingered momentarily on Barnes as though they were drinking in any remaining strength Barnes had to offer. A single blink and her attention was turned back to the men before her. Bottom lip quivered slightly but she continued on as she blinked back the tears. "Sacrificed his life to save us."

She bit her bottom lip and took a shaky breath in, her voice dropping to a whisper, "I'm so sorry."

She waited with bated breath for the news to be processed by each individual. She tore her eyes off each member and took a step back from the table, keeping her gaze fixated on a spot on the table so that she could still see them indirectly through peripherals, but enough to also allow her not see the pain that washed over their features.

If anyone of them had any questions, she'd answer them as best as she could. If they wanted her to leave so they can mourn together in a camaraderie, she would give them the privacy to do so. If they wanted to pass the blame on to her...well, she's taken quite a few hits in her lifetime - She was strong enough to take another.

The silence dragged on for a moment as the news was being quietly processed by each of the Howling Commandos - all at a loss of what to say. Not expecting the news in the first place. It would explain why she had requested to speak with Barnes privately then. They all just assumed he had been caught sleeping with one of the (female) officers onsite and because of that, they were all about to be berated.

Finishing release of negative news that no one wanted to hear, Bucky was almost immediately filling the silence after allowing absorption of it all. Clearing his throat abruptly in attempt to gain eyes without having to announce himself first.

Peggy having taken a couple of steps back to give Barnes the front and centre of the room while she switched roles and kept to the sidelines. Thus allowing her to discreetly take a moment to herself and recompose. Eyes remaining on a random spot on the floor until Barnes's voice broke the silence and watery brown orbs danced from one individual to the next as Barnes delivered his 'pep talk', and thank god he did because she would never have found the strength to even procure anything close as inspiration as Barnes had on just a whim in such a darkened moment of their lives.

"I get you're all.. upset. Confused. Shocked. Hell, I'm feeling it all and more. But you really think if he was here right now, he'd be okay with all of us mopin' around? It's absolute bull-shit, yeah. Steve is more of a soldier than any of us will ever be. But he'd chide all of us for sitting here and crying about it. Steve was well aware of the cost he was willing to make by joining the army to begin with. I'm sure the idiot had zero intention to kick the bucket, but you really think he would've wanted it any other way?" Bucky began, dreading to see friends in state of sorrow when they were needed most right now during the war.

As Barnes spoke, a small glimmer of hope flickered in the room. As long as the Howling Commandos had each other, as they always did, they'd get through this. Steve died protecting what he loved; his friends and his country. Bucky was right - Steve died a patriotic death, and they would continue to keep his legacy alive by finishing what he'd started. If anything, this fuelled their passion, their need to win the goddamn war once and for all.

"I've known Steve practically all my life. The guy dreamed of joinin' the 107th, just like his old man. And he did. Steve did exactly what he wanted to do with his life, knowing that it could get him killed. He was more than happy to serve - So we should honor him n' smile. God knows he'd be grinnin' ear to ear if he was in the room. Don't know about any of you, but I do plan to raise a glass tonight for his sacrifice and crack a smile for the Cap. We got a war to win and we gotta finish what Rogers started." It was a pep-talk in sense. Trying to keep high hopes, chins held high.

Though deep down he was an absolute hypocrite. Barnes himself just wanted to sit, hold his head, and silently mourn the loss of a brother.

Where Peggy held emotional strength, Bucky wanted to fill with enthusiasm. They didn't have to hurt. If he could keep thoughts deluded just until the war was won, that would be enough. Do just what Steve would've wanted and carry his companions - No, friends - To tomorrow

"You'll be joining us too Agent Carter." The once booming joyful voice of Dugan had taken on a more mournful tone as he turned his attention from Bucky to the woman that most, if not all, members of the Howling Commandos had come to be protective of. In a distant way. They knew she wasn't a damsel in distress either. It wasn't a question, but more so a statement. She was just as much of their team and family as each other.

A soft smile graced her otherwise mournful features.

"Yes." her hushed voice softly spoke out, her chin held upwards a little to keep up that dignified strength to stubbornly prove that she wasn't a weak female in the face of death. "Sergeant Barnes has already extended the invitation to me."

Dugan nodded, his eyes quickly taking in her expression knowing that she was more than just a friend to Steve. Hell, they all knew it. Especially when the top of Steve's ears turned a shade of pink when mentioning Carter. He blamed it on the snow, of course. Dugan almost chuckled at the memory of this. However, he didn't bring it up for Carter's sake - and mostly because he didn't fancy looking down the barrel of a gun.

A couple of the members wanted to know what truly happened. How his death came about. What went down. That sort of thing... But out of respect for Agent Carter, Bucky and everyone else, they kept their traps shut and would most likely raise their questions when the alcohol gave them the strength they'd need to hear it.

Peggy cleared her throat as she took front and centre of the room again. "I believe you just came back from a mission? Take a moment and then get yourselves checked over at the Medic Centre before reporting to Colonel Phillips." Her curt voice gave them their new set of orders for the rest of the day.

She had the compassion to allow them the break they needed before thrusting themselves back into their duties as Soldiers.

As for Peggy, she had an abundant amount of paperwork to complete, including her own report to complete. Work would prove to be a welcome distraction from her grief-stricken heart. She gave a gentle, sympathetic smile to the group before her, before turning her gaze to Barnes. She gave him a small nod with unspoken words of gratitude; 'Thank you'.

"I'll see you all tonight. Gentlemen." she said in a greeting of departure as she took her leave to leave the Howling Commandos with Barnes and she went about her duties for the rest of the day.

Strength was a make-shift mask that Barnes wore in attempt to save a face. If friends didn't have to suffer, he'd do whatever damn well was needed to prevent the pain. Allow them to keep head held high and maintain feelings of hope for the future.

He played the role so diligently, it would be hard to believe that the guy was so torn up and discouraged inside. There was a time and place to fall apart, to come undone and let threads snap, but such a time was not right now. Life required Bucky Barnes to stand tall when he'd much rather be crumbling on knees. If he couldn't do it for himself, he kept Carter in mind as well as the apparent deceased Captain himself. If he couldn't stand for his own well-being, he'd stand for theirs.

A lighter mood layering a saddened atmosphere that proved to be better than nothing. Beggers couldn't be choosers, right?

Holding a face for Peggy, one that gently urged that she could do this. But the moment she was gone? Everything became unraveled just for a spare moment. A chipper smile fell and expression twisted into something sorrowful and pain-filled. A face the yearned for own demise and even in the back of Barnes mind, he hoped for an outcome where he wouldn't have to breathe too much longer.

Steve and Bucky, destined to be together until the end of the line. Steve got off the train and Bucky missed his stop. Hoping that it'd round and return back to station and allow the brunet to step off that train and find his buddy waiting for him on the other-side. Atleast they'd be reunited if life ceased to surge through Bucky's body.

Everything seemed to follow as if it was a normal return - Congratulations and asking how everything went by other soldiers; playful buddy pats and the occasional joke thrown in there among one another all while a dark cloud loomed over Bucky's head and followed him without relent.

Medical tending involved physical and psychological evaluation to make sure soldiers were still in tip-top condition to perform duty. If someone was seen unfit to further work due to mental stability or physical ailment, they were written off and sent home. An offer as such sounded like heaven to Bucky now, only he'd be returning to an empty shoe-box of a home that his best friend's presence once overwhelmed. A place that would no longer rise to title of 'home'. Unworthy and undesired.

As much as he hated to admit, Bucky found a stiff mattress and shared dorm to be comfort of home right now. Along friends he'd made since being present in service. That was a better home than any.

Everything went smoothly; although there was always faint concern for James especially. Given what he was forced to endure, nightmares of HYDRA he felt better not talking about and torture he'd been forced through only for the captain, shield in hand, to step in and save Barnes.

Funny. Bucky spent his whole life protecting Steve. The one time he failed and- Stop. Dragging out of mindset and putting work first. Commandos meeting up with Phillips to which Dugan put in report of how things occurred. Meanwhile all Bucky could place focus on was getting drink after drink in him and hoping if he got drunk enough, he'd forget just for a little while how barb wire wrapped around his heart and mercilessly pulled.

It was just one challenge after another; one grief after another. Today could quite easily be compared to being hit with an earthquake. The highest possible magnitude hitting her heart along with waves of aftershocks that routinely followed the largest shock of an earthquake sequence. Leaving a death and destruction in its path.

Death toll: 1 (Steve)

Casualties: 10 (Howling Commandos & Peggy)

Steve had been the main shock, followed by informing Sergeant Barnes first, and then the Howling Commandos. For Peggy, her aftershocks continued for the rest of the day - showing no signs of stopping.

First, it was reliving the moments that occurred from Peggy's perspective as she completed her report to Colonel Phillips, labelling Captain Rogers KIA (Killed in Action). A moment where her fingers trembled just above the three abbreviated letters she was about to type, hesitating. Clasping them together, one hand curled into a fist, the other hand wrapping around it as she leaned her chin on her clasped fists, she took a moment to breathe in deeply and exhale slowly, bringing her chocolate brown eyes up to the ceiling as though it was able to provide strength.

Unfortunately not.

The only thing currently getting her through the afternoon was that she'd be having a stiff drink or two later that evening.

Having finished her report, the second aftershock followed when Colonel Phillips had requested her to attend a meeting with the top brass to discuss the public death notice. The third aftershock followed after that when they left the death notice in Peggy's hands to produce because she was the last Agent to speak to Captain Rogers, and because - as quoted, 'she was the only one qualified'.

In other words, she was a woman who had a desk and a typewriter at her disposal - a secretary, so to speak. Yes, they had their own secretary to do this - however, due to keeping this as top secret as possible for the next 18 hours, Carter was the next best thing they had to a secretary.

With the meeting adjourned, the fourth aftershock followed when she had to formalize Steve's death in as much military dignified fashion as she could muster. The death notice was typed, keeping to military standards as well as followed by a brief message to the citizens that just because Captain America is gone does not mean his strength has gone to. It lives among them, and it is up to them to carry on his legacy.

The death notice was hand delivered to Colonel Phillips for proofing and/or approval. It seemed the Colonel was satisfied as he gave a gruntled 'thanks' followed by a 'Go home Carter.'

"Sir?" she stopped in tracks from exiting the room to half turn her body to him, unsure why he was giving her leave so early.

Without glancing up from shuffling papers around on his desk, the Colonel spoke in gruff tones to the Agent before him. "I'm not entirely heartless Carter. I know how much that kid meant to you. It's been a taxing day. Go home before I change my mind."

Even though he couldn't see it, Peggy gave a small nod and a "Sir." in a 'thank you' manner before exiting and leaving. Only then did the Colonel look up to see the mass of brown hair disappear behind the door.

'I'm going soft in my old age' he grumbled to himself before continuing on with his own tasks at hand.

The extra hour allowed Peggy to go home, have a shower and get changed for the evening. Opening her wardrobe drawer, she saw the red dress she had planned on wearing the first night that her and Steve would go dancing after the war was fought and won.

That won't be happening anytime soon.

Or ever.

A shaky sigh left her lips as she tore her eyes away from the red dress and the sentimental significance it now carried, she had chosen a navy blue dress where the skirt hung just past her knees, with white collar and cuffs on her 3/4 length sleeves. Black heels accompanied her outfit as well as a touch up of her makeup. She wore little to no jewelry, except for pearl studs in her ears but that was hidden behind a layer of her thick wavy brown locks that she had chosen to wear down instead of pulled back.

Reaching for her clutch, she held on the small black purse tightly as she took a deep breath, in an out. In and out. Her heart was thumping loudly in her chest, painfully so to the point where she almost feared she was inducing a heart attack upon herself.

'Pull yourself together Margaret!' She mentally scolded herself as a hand came to rest on her stomach in a nervous habit. Clearing her throat, she gave one glance around her room before leaving her apartment and making her way down the building.

It was when evening finally rolled around the mask faltered, just a bit. Anticipation clouding the brunet and unaware of significance stork club held in Peggy's heart. If he'd known that's where her and Steve were supposedly designated to meet again, he wouldn't have insisted on her joining him and his men for the evening. Not even bothering out of uniform given there were no dress clothes for him to drape in - Instead, going in the nicest thing he could manage.

The very same uniform he'd parted with Steve in at the Stark Expo. A faded olive green overcoat with the leather belt around the waist. Lack of hat, and not bothering for tie underneath but deciding on a dark green dress shirt. It was relatively common among soldier with SSR uniform, and wasn't one of the better suits Bucky owned at home. But, it'd do for evening. Leaving cap behind and parting hair to the side and hoping he cleaned up just enough for the evening.

If he was going to get shit-faced drunk, he might as well look good while he did it.

Choosing to walk allowed her the last peace of quietness she needed to settle her mind and work through her thoughts before joining Sergeant Barnes and the rest of the Howling Commandos. If she were to be honest with herself, now that the day was over and her mind wasn't on 'Agent' mode, her thoughts came back to being a stormy grey cloud of grief. Tonight she wasn't Agent Carter.

Tonight, she was Peggy Carter. A quietly grieving woman.

Unfortunately, she couldn't make her grief known publicly otherwise it would give the military a perfect reason to kick a woman out of her ranks due to 'Hysterical Grief'.

She'd have to watch how much she was drinking tonight, not just for her sake but for the others as well. As much as she'd like to follow in Sergeant Barnes' footsteps tonight, she couldn't risk it. Nor was it becoming of her to lower herself down to being drunk. She had no idea how Sergeant Barnes would fair tonight, but her silent promise would be to look after him in replace of where Steve would. It was the least she could do for Steve's memory right now.

As for the Howling Commandos ... Well, they had every right to be drinking heavily, however, someone would need to be there to stop them from multiple scenarios such as; getting too drunk and causing a scene or trouble, driving under the influence...

She decided to set the task before her that she'd keep an eye on their alcohol intake and ensure their safety of either returning home or back to their military base.

Everyone meet at the club that evening at different timing. One after the other while Bucky had already planted himself among bar stool with a glass in hand; contents still poured. Swirling contents within the glass and staring down at it - Hesitant on that first drink and instead using the excuse that he was waiting for the lady of the evening herself to arrive.

Check up with her while still in right state of mind before downing one after the other until he numbed.

As good as plan as any.

Without realizing it, she had reached the Stork Club and was now standing in front of the entrance, staring warily at the doors. This wasn't right. This wasn't how it should be. Steve should be here. Steve should be inside having a laugh with his men while waiting for her to arrive so they could have their first dance. Something slow, she had promised, because he wouldn't want to step on her toes...

She blinked rapidly a few times as she straightened up. She wasn't the only one grieving tonight, she wasn't the only one who would be thinking that this was not supposed to be happening. She caught glimpse of Dugan's unmistakeable large frame peeping through the edge of the doorframe, causing her to take a step forward and another step until she was pushing the doors open and walking straight up towards the bar.

"Double Whiskey, please. Neat." she immediately ordered her preferred drink as she placed her clutch purse down upon the bar whilst sliding onto the stool, seated next to the man who was nursing his own drink; "Sergeant." she greeted softly. Her brown eyes taking in the downtrodden man beside her before her attention was brought back to the medium-filled glass of whiskey that was placed down upon the bar in front of her. "Thank you" she politely said to the bartender who gave an appreciative silent nod before attending to his next customer.

Wrapping her fingers around the glass bottom but not taking a drink just yet, her eyes fell back on the Sergeant seated next to her. "How are you holding up?" she asked, her voice laced with concern that matched the gaze her chocolate brown orbs held upon Barnes.

She had a feeling what the answer might be, probably same as her; feeling like death should swallow them whole. Regardless of how she felt, these men were still her field soldiers and therefore were still her priority and concern. Especially now when they were more than just soldiers. They were friends. She had to see them through this.

In particularly, Barnes.

Whatever weighed upon Bucky's broad shoulders was nothing in comparison to what Peggy had to bare. She was the one swamped with work and expected explanation because she had been the last one to speak with Steve - Something that Barnes personally would've wanted honour of. Shooing thought and even considering himself selfish for wanting such.

He could only be left to wonder how many times she was left to repeat tale of how Rogers met demise. How many times did she have to watch someone's face sink with disappointment? How many times did she struggle with her own heart, to keep it under fire and wear façade? How many times did all-powerful Agent Peggy Carter almost shed tear within the past twenty four hours alone?

She was bound to feel it for a while, as well, just as Bucky would.

While he was given lee-way for time being, she on the other hand only had more responsibility and task pile up. Bucky would lighten the load if he were able - Probably question if there is anything he can do to help make her life a little easier for the time being. Hold her up as she held everyone else.

Peggy needed someone to catch her when she fell, too. A responsibility for Steve, but he was no longer here. Forcing Bucky to step up to home-plate and take the initiative; not minding one bit along the way.

Drowning in his own head while a million questions buzzed and bounced off the walls of his cranium. Leaning over the bar while seated on the stool, Elbows propped against the hard surface in order to keep him upright. Left forearm along the table while right was raised and the glass in hand that he absentmindedly swirled in a circular motion. Just enough force behind the action to cause contents to swirl but easy enough to avoid a spill.

He hadn't even realized Carter entered establishment until her voice was pulling him from abyss of thoughts and back to reality. Snapping attention to the side and meeting her gaze.

The whole world stopped for just a moment, but in the best of ways. Peggy Carter, Belle of the ball, looking absolutely stunning. Cobalt hues caressing downward from porcelain face, over her shoulders, dropping further along torso to thighs, legs. Raising head back up and even forgetting for a brief few seconds why they were even here.

Instead basking in the beauty that was Agent Carter - Envying Steve for getting so lucky.

Quickly finding nausea in even thinking such a thing. How rude, how disrespectful, how-

Wait, she'd spoken. And here he was, staring doe-eyed and forming an unintentional silence between them.

Clearing his throat and averting gaze away from slim figure that was seated alongside Barnes to avoid losing his train of thought once again. Attempting to play off like he hadn't just had his heart pound in chest.

"Well.. I've had better days, ma'am. Can't imagine how tough this must be for you, though. You doin' alright...?" Bucky asked with soft concern.

Completely oblivious to Barnes' staring at her in such a way that would either cause a slight flush to her cheeks, or a fist to his cheek given their current circumstance, she simply placed his momentary lapse of conversation down to the emotions of the day's events. She certainly wouldn't deny it had been a long day for all. It was a blessing in a way that she had her work to keep her occupied, but it was a curse at the same time - especially with the questions, the reports and the remarks and decisions made my those during meetings.

Gentle brown orbs studied him, knowing he was telling the truth; knowing they both had better days each, however she also knew that this was only putting it mildly. Her cherry red lips curved into the faintest hint of a smile, "Yes...Yes, I'm alright, Sergeant. Don't you worry about me. " her voice hushed with a soft tone, knowing full well it was a complete and utter lie. But it was not something she could unload onto him, nor would she want to display her emotions so publicly. She had made her decision upon entering the premises that this was not about her. It was about Steve; Honouring his memory and looking after his brothers-in-arms. Particularly Barnes, at this point. Knowing his death hit him far more harder than the others, even if he didn't show it - she 'knew' it.

Brown orbs left the man's features as she looked behind him at the rest of the Howling Commandos who were scattered around the room, each nursing a drink in their hands. Her own hand tightened around her glass as the smile on her face faltered and she had to tear her eyes away from the Commandos. The nausea rising up within her was immediately drowned as she lifted the glass of whiskey to her lips and downed half the glass in a single go.

The rumours were true; she could easily drink a man under the table. She managed to do it with Dugan, and he was a big man who was known for holding his liquor. Downing half a glass of whiskey in one go shouldn't have had any affect on her whatsoever, but the alcohol hit her almost immediately. Throughout her grief-stricken mind, she had neglected to take care of herself throughout the day. She was drinking on an empty stomach, which was never the best thing to do when consuming alcohol. However, she knew her limit and she 'did' have a personal limit tonight.

However, today would be one of many to follow where she was forcing her grief down, ignoring it for the sake of others, meanwhile unintentionally neglecting herself.

Because if she let herself feel, if she let go like James had earlier... It would be the end of her. She didn't want to feel the heartache of the loss of Steve. The man who had captured her heart so easily, the man who had understood what it was like to be doubted by others, to have the doors of opportunity slammed in your face... Her heart... Ached. It was the same type of ache she had when she lost her brother, Michael. An ache that she never wanted to experience again. Yet, two years later, she was back in the same path. Both men who meant so much to her, who were the only ones to believe in her... Gone. Her heart gone with them.

Feeling Barnes shift beside her, whether it was to take a drink or change positions - she wasn't sure as she kept her eyes on the contents in her glass, she was just glad to have him by her side. Because without him, his strength he offered her... She probably wouldn't have carried herself so diligently throughout the day.

"Shall we join the others?" she asked as she glanced back over at the grieving men. Whilst they wore solemn expressions, there were faint hints of laughter in their eyes and a slight curve to their lips... They must be regaling some stories together, as one does when someone dies. Barnes should be there with them. Remembering the good times and not focusing on the loss.

Peggy too.

The moment the two would join them, forming the entirety of the group, they would raise their glasses in honour of Steve. She knew this part and onwards might be the tipping point for James. It was almost like they were saying 'goodbye' to him. For Peggy though... She was just honouring Steve's memory and making that promise to look after everybody. Especially James.

Just as Peggy could read Bucky like a book, he was able to do the same. Seeing through lie like transparent glass but knowing it was better not to press on delicate subject matter.

The whole point of being here for everyone was to honour a soldier's sacrifice, yet Bucky found himself grieving more than anything - And he'd been the one to even orchestrate meeting at the club. In truth, Bucky would much rather be on his own to where he could cry to heart's content and not fret that someone may be worried for him. Being there was the only thing keeping him in one piece.

It was a constant clashing of emotion. One minute, he was fine, forgetting Steve for a sliver of a second. Only for it to crash into him full force like the same plane that Steve crashed into ice. Where as Peggy could hold herself together and limit herself on alcohol, Bucky would much rather intoxicate himself to his heart's content and pray he doesn't remember by tomorrow morning.

Raising glass to plush lips only to take rim against mouth and drink as much as he was capable in one go. Emptying glass with the burning sensation licking downward his throat and setting glass among table. A tap of hand twice against flat surface and gesturing to glass to which bartender complied and refilled without question - Bucky paying for such while liquid contents filled glass again.

He contemplated Peggy's offer for a moment or so. Wondering if coming together with his brothers in arms and acknowledging Steve wasn't present was a good idea. Wanting to neglect offer and shove it aside, pretend her never heard such, only to give a reluctant nod of his cranium. Another sip from glass as if needing that to give boost before turning in his chair and wearing a smile with ease and masking pained expression as if it was non-existent.

"He'd be laughin' ass off if he could see us all right now. Tellin' us not to worry about it. A playful punch in the shoulder and teasing scold to bring me on back to reality." Bucky murmured to Peggy for a moment before clearing voice and raising tone an octave.

"Alright, ladies," The sergeant teasingly gained attention with a breathy chuckle. "Quit mopin' around and let's raise a glass to America's hero, alright? Now, between all of us, ain't never been good with sayin' goodbye. So instead of saying sayonara, we're telling Steve we'll see him soon. Sound good boys?" Taking a few second pause while getting up and out of seat.

How many times was her heart going to break today? Just like it was for Barnes, how he would forget only for him to remember and having his world come crashing down around him, it was the same for her. One minute her heart was mending back together again, and the next it would shatter into a million pieces beneath the whatever poor quality glue she was using (stubborn strength). The process had been a nasty cycle that was played on a never-ending loop.

However, she was Peggy Carter. She had responsibilities to get attend to, and right now, these men were her responsibility.

The words that were spoken by James had left her in silent agreement but also with another shatter to heart. There was nothing she could say to bring him comfort, and the fact that he quickly moved on from the subject made her wonder if he had just wanted to momentarily vent without receiving words of advice or comfort in return. If that's what he needed...

She was surprised that he took the reins on this. It made sense, she supposed considering this had been his idea in the first place... but being who she was, she just automatically assumed it would be her delivering the (non) goodbye toast. Especially when she felt like his death was partly her responsibility, and she owed it to them...

Turning in her seat to face the Howling Commandos as they gathered closer to listen to Barnes, a few cracking smiles with soft chuckles through the otherwise melancholy state they were in with their own personal grief. There was a small murmur of agreement that sounded out throughout the room once Barnes had finished speaking.

Brown eyes locked with blue as Peggy glanced up at him with a mix of emotions, silent strength and encouragement that she offered him behind her brown orbs with unwavering concern. Though when Barnes took her hand gently in his own without warning, ushering her to her feet, confusion welled in her eyes.

Gesturing to the agent with nod of head, Barnes settled the silent confusion with his next words, "To Carter, as well. Damned strongest woman I've ever laid eyes on. She did everything that she was able and we appreciate her, through n' through. Might not be on the field with us, ma'am, but you're a Howling Commando. Just like us. We believe you, and we got your back to the end of the world." Bucky addressed further.

No intention to upset Carter but instead wanting to pull the guilt off of her that restrained her like ball and chain. Maybe she'd scold him for it, give dirty look. Maybe she'd correct him and grow agitated. Maybe she'd break down right then and there. Or maybe, just maybe, she'd listen to genuine words and accept that no one in the room holds anything against her.

As soon as he turned the toast of honours onto her, the slender fingers gripped Barnes' hand tighter, her chest visibly rising and falling through his words of appreciation. Feeling the painful sting of tears in the corner of her eyes, she dropped her head, lowering her gaze to the floor in an attempt to discreetly blink back the tears that were threatening to spill over, knowing that once they did, it would break the walls to the dam that she was desperately trying to hold together.

Her hand remained in a firm grip on Barnes', acting as the strength she needed to lean on, especially when she heard the mixed murmurs of "To Peggy!" (Dugan, who was only brave enough to call her by her first name. The rest still referred to her as 'ma'am or 'agent') and "Hear, Hear!"

Glancing back up, her brown eyes softened upon hearing seeing and hearing each one of them accept her graciously. Brown eyes danced from face to face until they landed on Barnes next to her. She gave a discreet squeeze to his hand with her own, her eyes silently searching his in a silent 'thank you', a small curve of her lips to the faintest hint of a smile before her attention turned back to everyone in the room.

"And to you all." she said as she raised her own glass in appreciation of the men before her. This was on behalf of Steve; knowing he would not want the attention kept on him through sadness. Instead, she turned it around to the Howling Commandos. "Each of you supported him from the very beginning. I know that each of you meant a great deal to him." her grip on Barnes' hand didn't waver, in fact, she leaned into him a little upon saying this, wanting to discreetly call out Barnes and give him the equal appreciation he deserves as well. "I couldn't have asked for a better group of friends who loved him and had his back. Thank you for being there for him. To Steve and the Howling Commandos."

The strength in her voice surprised her, almost expecting it to falter in much the same ways as her emotions were swirling deep inside her. Yet it didn't. Either it was the alcohol giving her the strength, her own stubborn strength or that of James.

Realising she still had a grip on his hand, she loosened her slender fingers in case he wanted to take his hand back.

Dugan had noted the small display of affection between the two, though he simply placed it down to a platonic comforting affection. It made sense to him, after all the two were the only ones who knew Steve closer than anyone else. Especially Bucky. Hell, he was just glad the two found comfort in one another, otherwise he'd have two individuals to worry about.

"To Steve and to the Howling Commandos. We wouldn't be together if it weren't for Steve." Dugan said as he raised his glass in the toast. It was true, if it wasn't for Steve, the Howling Commandos wouldn't exist and they wouldn't have found the camaraderie nor the brotherhood they found in each other.

And sisterhood if he included Peggy; which he did. But she had the strength of a man so he included her as one of them from the beginning.

Sergeant found himself admitting it wasn't entirely miserable. While a dark cloud did indeed hang over everyone's head, there was shelter from storm with each other. As long as everyone could stay strong and hold one another up, Bucky convinced himself that Peggy and commandos alike would be just fine in long run.

Bucky couldn't speak on his own behalf for that one. He was unsure if he'd ever be okay with losing a friend or even just coming to acceptance that the man he looked to as family was no longer among them. Holding onto the sliver of faint hope that maybe, just maybe, that idiot did survive the plane crash. Maybe he was trying to get ahold of someone now. Maybe he was trying to come back to them all so everyone could reunite and then proceed to have everyone call Steve an idiot for crashing plane.

Only to be reminded that such a possibility was slim to none if there was even percentage to begin with.

A bar that was dark and heavy moments ago now seemed to burst with life and joy even if it was only temporary. They could all bask in happiness for a little while like each and every soldier deserved (Carter included).

Toasting to Peggy, to the Commandos, to Steve, only for drinks to be consumed in following. It wasn't meant to be this miserable. Yes, pained, but they could find happiness if they tried hard enough. Injuries would take time to close, and such would this. Wounds were fresh and sores were being nursed.

It was to be expected that they all wouldn't be entirely fine at drop of dime.

Sparing the seconds to take a look at Peggy's hand in his own and unable to help himself but to admire how hers fit in his own. He was looking for anything to occupy thoughts and that just so happened to be Agent Carter. Admiring the female in all her strength and beauty. Even a womanizer like him would know better not to think such a manor - Knowing that she loved Steve and Steve loved her just as much.

He'd be damned to hell for such act and thought.

Using excuse that she was simply the first girl on mind. That would explain it, right? Right.

Hands having been carefully retracted, they now wrapped around the scotch glass, downing the liquid yet again after toast was made. Even the burning sensation of whiskey sliding down his throat didn't make the pain any more bearable. Contemplating voicing what currently bounced around his head that tugged at heart - Wanting to express his thoughts to the woman alongside him and that he would've done anything to have Steve here.

A time for that would come later, instead Bucky wanted moment to last and joy to flood atmosphere for as long as it was able. "Thank you for everythin', Ma'am. Did more than you'll ever know, seriously. We ain't sayin' goodbye, alright? We'll see the little punk again soon." Redirecting speech and lowering volume just to Peggy; blocking out the rest of the bar just for the two of them right then and there.

"You're strong. Down-right amazin' if you ask me. You did all that you could and no one here is gonna hold anything against you. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, ma'am. Thank you."

Holding the near empty glass to one side of her chest, she stepped up to the Sergeant beside her and wrapped her free arm around his neck, her hand coming to rest on the back collar of his neck as her body pressed into his in a side hug. "No. Thank you, Sergeant," she whispered against his ear before pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. It was the only way she could relay how much she was truly thankful for him. For everything, he's done.

Even from before she met Steve, she was thankful for everything James had done for him. From looking after Steve, being there for him, supporting him through their missions once the Howling Commandos were formed, Fighting against HYDRA's clutches and now here...just being beside her through her own stubborn grief. If it wasn't for him, she might be wallowing too far deep in her grief to be able to tell which direction England was in!

Pulling back, a gentle hand cupped his cheek, her thumb gently caressing his skin in an attempt to remove her signature red lipstick that she may have accidentally placed upon his stubble cheek. A soft smile was offered from her as she lowered her hand away from him, obviously not wanting to linger too long on upon him despite how desperately he looked like he needed a hug, a source of physical comfort. Now was not the place nor did she want to assume that it was something he wanted or needed.

Instead, she tilted her glass up slightly, "Can I buy you another?" she asked, referring to his now empty glass.

As much as the soldier would find himself hating to admit, that kiss was one of the pick-me-ups that was desperately needed. If he were at home right now, he'd busy himself at bar either getting drunk or hitting on girls just so he wouldn't have to think. Numb his mind and forget just for a little while that he'd return home alone that evening. That unfinished paintings would never see completion. He wouldn't hear nagging everytime he left his boots out or yapped at to go sleep in bed rather on the couch because he'd grain crick in neck the next morning. No more teasing while Bucky was having hangovers from long nights before and no more jokes at night when they'd lounge on fire-escape through the living room window. No more having to run to stores to make sure Steve had the medicine he needed that day - No more checking back alleys and parking lots just incase his best friend ended up in scuffle biting off more than he could chew.

He felt derived of purpose in a way. Bucky had convinced himself ages ago that the very reason he was put on this blue marble was to meet Steve Rogers and spend life being right there for his best friend.

A normal man would have broader dreams and a wider mind. In all reality though, Bucky was happy in the shoebox apartment they shared that always seemed to have something wrong with it. He was happy working two jobs so they could meet rent. He was happy using extra money from pay-checks to buy Steve art supplies so he'd have ability to further create beauty on blank canvas. Bucky was happy taking care of someone else - No, not just someone else - Steve Rogers. Maybe it was peculiar. Maybe it was looked at funny how close one another were. But Bucky and Steve were brothers - Blood or not. He'd spend childhood helping Steve up when he'd stumble over his own feet. Defend blonde from school-yard bullies and keep an extra inhaler on him just in case - Sarah having trusted him with one. Times where Steve's mother would need to go to work and would entrust Bucky for the evening to come over for sleepovers and make sure the asthmatic didn't kill over.

Bucky loved every second of it with all of his heart.

It was a shame, going home to an empty house where he'd spend remainder of days on his own unless he finally settled down with someone.

The flower that was Steve Rogers had withered and been trampled on. No hope for poor sprout - Beauty stolen from the world. It was unfair.

"Ain't I suppose to be the one askin' that?" Jokingly murmuring in return to Carter's question on buying Bucky another drink. Tonight, he didn't decline offer. He'd most likely end up repaying the Agent back the following morning and apologize for being rude; but for tonight? He didn't give a damn.

Not even finding it in himself to mind Peggy's crimson red lipstick painting his skin that could provide wrong message. Who the hell cared? They were both heartbroken and trying to fix one another while still carrying slivers of shattered glass that was themselves.

"Two more whiskeys please." she said, gulping the last little bit of her own liquor back before putting her glass down upon the bar, ordering one for her and one for Barnes. She owed him a drink, heck she owed him more than a drink, but it was the least she could for him right now.

"Hey Pegs! Settle a bet for us would ya?" Dugan's voice boomed out, interrupting the quiet conversation between the two.

Frowning softly, she looked past Barnes's shoulder over at Dugan, trying to gauge how many drinks he's had, having noted that he had already been here long before her.

Her brown eyes shifted from Dugan's waiting face to the bartender, "How many has he had?" she asked him with a nod of her head to Dugan.

"'Bout four or five ma'am." The bartender politely replied.

Peggy gave a gentle nod of her head ... Right ... So she knew what she was dealing with. A drunk Dugan. Nothing wrong with him, he just gets excessively loud and happy.

A welcome to the dark cloud that looms over their heads tonight.

Giving a gentle squeeze to Barnes's shoulder, she excused herself as she walked over to Dugan, joining the others.

The moment she left him, he shifted out of autopilot. Facade dropping while his face was hidden from other Commandos.

"Alright, I'll bite. What's the bet?" She asked, knowing that if it was Dugan asking, it had to be some dull-witted theoretical question. Working beside him previously had given her the advantage to know what to expect with him.

"I'm not gonna question that you can drink every man under the table..."

"I should certainly hope not. I thought you learnt your lesson last time Dugan?" She asked, a tilt to her head with a knowing smile.

"Right, right... But would you be able to drink the good ol' Cap underneath the table?"

Ah. The answer would be a 'no'. One of the side effects Steve had was that his metabolism burns four times faster than the average human body...which meant he wouldn't be able to get drunk.

A soft shake to her head gave him the answer, though not the usual peppy answer with a challenging quip he was looking for. He knew how much Steve meant to Peggy, and to Bucky.

"Pegs, I didn't mean..."

"I know." she quickly said with a small smile to reassure him. Her personal sadness was not something she wanted to spread and infect others with. They were here to celebrate Steve, honour him. Not grieve. They had their moment to grieve earlier and would likely grieve alongside the rest of the nation tomorrow once the public announcement had been made.

"How's Bucky?" he asked, his voice lowering slightly.

Brown eyes glanced back at the man sitting at the bar with his back to the group, he just lost his best-friend, how does one think he'll be?

"I made a promise to Steve that I'll keep an eye on him." she said, not offering any enlightenment on how he really was doing. He acted strong, appeared strong... But she could tell he was breaking on the inside. Or perhaps, already broken. For the sake of either her or the Howling Commandos tonight - or both, he was remaining strong.

"Well, he can drink, just so you know."

"As can you. Better make that your last one for tonight." she said with a nod of her head to his glass.

"It's only my third one."

"It's your fifth."

"How d'ya know?"

"I'm an Agent. It's my job to know. Last one Dugan." she warned him, a tone of authority seeping through her voice.

"Yes Ma'am." he dragged out the tone as though he was a little child being scolded by a teacher.

Brown eyes left Dugan's as she sought out Barnes and was about to make her way back over to him, especially when she had ordered a second whiskey for herself. But she was stopped by another member of the Howling Commandos.

"Ma'am? What exactly happened? How did he die?" the question came from Jim.

A god awful question in Barnes's opinion, one he wished he couldn't overhear.

Oh, that's right. She hadn't told them the events of what happened. Just that he sacrificed his life. They didn't know how he had done that or what the events to lead up to that was. Her eyes flickered to Barnes, wondering if it was a good idea to inform them or not. Although, she was more concerned about him, wondering whether he wanted to hear this or not.

Sighing softly, she brought her eyes back to Jim but was surprised to see the rest of the members had turned their attention on her, curious to know themselves but most were too scared to ask the Agent.

If not back turned to others and facing bar, the look of dread streaking expression would become more than evident at mention of 'how'.

Story that Bucky would rather go untold. He'd purposely avoided asking questions on such for his own sake, as well as the Agent's. She must've sounded like a broken record to herself that day - Having to repeat horrors time and time again. Why did anyone even have to ask? Give the poor woman a break!

Clearing her throat as she desperately wished she had downed her second drink before starting this conversation, she quietly explained after stuttering a little at how hard it suddenly seemed to explain it all. Again. She had gone through this countless times today, once more couldn't hurt...

Oh, but it did.

Every time she spoke of it, it was like a sharp knife was being pressed against her heart. Like a nightmare, she was forced to relive. They had a right to know. She owed it to them. If anything, to bring closure to their minds. To understand his actions, and to know that it was just a typical military apology of him 'sacrificing his life for his country'.

Preparing to protest in the young woman's defence, explain that it was question for a later time, only for Peggy to beat him to the finish line and tell tale. As much as he didn't want to hear it, Bucky listened and gripped onto every word as if life was dependent on absorbing everything that left her lips. Unsure whether or not saying anything would do anything good. Afraid that the first time lips parted and voice tried to construct, hoarse tone would instead flee and tears would follow.

"Uh... Colonel Phillips, Captain Rogers - Steve- and I were chasing down the airplane, the Valkyrie, Schmidt was escaping in..."

...Which also happened to be their first and last kiss...

Taking a deep breath, albeit a little shaky, she exhaled slowly before resuming, "He managed to board the plane...I don't quite know what happened, but he radioed in a while later reporting that Schmidt's dead. Steve was still on the plane. It was heading towards New York...Innocent civilians were at risk if he landed the plane...So his only option was to force the plane down."

Along with him, but she didn't need to state this.

Following the descent of the plane and the demise of the person onboard, her end was met with Steve's voice being abruptly cut off by static. Despite her pleas for contact from him, nothing but static greeted her ears.

"I should've gotten Howard on the line sooner. He would've known what to do..." At that point, she felt completely helpless and useless to Steve sitting in that control tower … And at least then she wouldn't have felt like she had let everyone in this room down, despite James's earlier words of reassurance.

Actually, those words were the only thing that was stopping her from breaking down right now.

"...I'm truly sorry..."

Closing hand around glass firmly and gripping so tight to glass it might've very well shattered in grasp if he tightened any further. Sucking bottom lip inward only to sink teeth into it as means of trying to keep together. Profuse blinking and flaring nostrils. Silently begging for it to stop before it even began. Vision blurring for seconds when tears threatened to form - Only for brunet to force them back and take deep breath. Hold. Hold. Hold. Release with a faint tremble of frame.

Coming to accept that no amount of drinking would numb the aching in chest.

His own heart pulled tight like a ripcord to a point it felt difficult to breathe once again. Like a cinder-block was rested neatly on ribcage in attempt to crush lungs. Not here, not now.

Repeating that to himself over and over on a loop with expectation that he might be able to keep pieces to himself with determination. Unable to force a smile any longer but still enabled to maintain chipper tone. As long as no one looked at his face, maybe they'd believe lies.

"Boys, you know it's rude to pressure Carter like that, don'tcha? M'sure she's had to share that story enough today. Let's try and respect the lady." Force conversation to pivot direction and provide recuperation time for emotionally damaged soldier. "No need to be sorry, either, ma'am. M'sure you did all you could."

Scolding himself under breath for not even looking at them all. Understanding as to why he chose his own actions but never making him feel less rude for such.

Dugan looked as though he was a little child that had just been scolded, 'God bless his soul' Peggy thought to both boys; Bucky for speaking up and Dugan for looking the way he did. "Right, sorry Pegs...didn't mean..."

"It's alright, Dugan." she quickly waved away his apology with a flick of her hand, a small smile on her face. A smile that meant she didn't hold anything against them for asking her. A smile that meant she would get through this pain, that she would get them through this pain.

Even though it wasn't Dugan who asked the question, he still felt like he needed to apologise on behalf of the entire squad. Even though they were a platoon of individuals, they were still whole as a family.

Not that she needed for Barnes to fight her own battles. She was perfectly capable of speaking up and saying 'no' ... but then again, this was a new situation she found herself. A situation where she was battling her own inner war of where one part of her was breaking down and the other part was fighting to remain strong. It was the same for the others no doubt. Especially Barnes.

Her eyes locked on his hunched over figure at the bar. The bartender caught her eye who motioned over at the bar where her drink sat, one that she had ordered previously before being called over for an explanation on Steve's death. She gave a small nod of recognition before bringing her attention back to the boys who looked downtrodden as they processed the information she told them.

"If you'll excuse me, Gentleman. I have a drink waiting..." She gently said with a smile, laying a hand on Jim's shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze of reassurance - that she held no hard feelings of him asking her the question of what happened.

"Oh yeah? And is that your third one?" Dugan's voice boomed out, most likely trying to lighten the mood.

"My second actually. Don't think any of you are walking out that door with your keys." She said as her eyes grazed over each member who, each, held a drink in their hand. "I'm talking to you Dugan." her tone held a slight amusing accusation to it.

"I would never!" came the feigned innocence.

"I recall one drunken night of yours."

"I don't remember."

"That's because you were blind drunk. You attempted to drive the Colonel's jeep home!"

"Oh yeah..." He chuckled at the memory, a few others beginning to laugh at the story unfolding.

"Well, it wasn't funny! I lied to the Colonel for you!"

"It was...kinda...funny." Dugan laughed between his words.

"What happened...?" Jim asked Dugan, and this was where Peggy took her leave. She'd gotten the boys away from the dreary conversation that had taken place moments earlier. She knew she could count on Dugan to regale them in stories, even at her own expense - she had hoped this would lead them to retelling tales of their own stories with Steve.

Being in a lighter mood would help them to remember Steve in a lighter sense and not a mournful one.

Exhausted from her efforts, it was like babysitting children with this lot. Especially Dugan. As gentle as he was, he still riled them up - and quite often he would rope Peggy along with it until she wisened up and scolded him. This was way back before the Howling Commandos were even a thing, before Steve had entered her life.

Walking away from the chattering, she made her way back to the bar, taking her seat next to Barnes. "They just wanted some closure." she murmured softly, not telling him off but just explaining herself as to why she agreed to tell them.

Her? She just wanted Steve alive. To be dancing with him in the adjacent room.

Barnes? She was sure he just wanted his best friend alive.

Part of her wanted to reach out and take his hand. For her own selfishness. The anchor she needed to ground herself with. Because every time she was strong for someone else, every smile she painted on her face, it was just another piece of her breaking away. But she also knew if she reached out, she would break down and would probably never stop. That wasn't a risk she was willing to take. So she took to wrapping both hands around her glass when she wasn't lifting it to her lips.

Bucky was in more than understanding that others would find closure in cause of death. Him on the other hand? He didn't want to hear any of it. Such reason why he refrained from questioning such, more than aware that the sergeant would not be keen on the answer by any means.

"It wasn't for your sake or theirs." Brunet softly correcting with a stern tone lacing his voice - Directed at no one in particular but much rather caused by his sorrows he would try to drink away.

"I don't wanna hear how.." On the brink of whispering that sentence; trying to remain discreet of his own feelings. Trying to shield was remaining pieces were unbroken and hope for best - That those ones would be fortunate enough to stay intact among mess. Feelings of denial, of innocence. It was unhealthy to be in denial over such a serious thing, Bucky knew this, but it didn't make him any less willing to fight when pushing off reality for as long as physically possible. Remain just out of reach even when the truth had already used and abused him.

"M'not ready to accept that one quite yet. Wound is still too fresh - Maybe one day I can swallow the fact that he's-..." A pause, very clearly not wanting to finish that sentence for what it would mean. Imply that Bucky knew Steve was dead and even accepted it to some extent. "...Not here."

A heavy sigh and knit brow. Racking mind for any sort of latter aside from drinking that could help him find escape in the middle of war. Part of him half tempted to drag himself out into the field and fight whoever the hell he had to in order to feel better; possibly die in the process of it all.

Lifting the glass to cherry red lips, the liquid poured down her throat, the familiar burning sensation was an odd welcome. Perhaps the emotional pain she was feeling had consumed her too greatly despite the smile she wore and what little armor she managed to scrape together to shield her weakened state behind. And so the physical pain was a reminder that she could still feel something else. That she wasn't entirely numb.

Brown eyes studied the side profile of Barnes sitting next to her, her brows turned upward in sympathy and her orbs softened. She knew where he was coming from. Unlike him, she had to force herself to accept the fact that he was gone. It was more of a reality for her because she was the only one who heard the end of his demise. When the static overcame the radio, putting an abrupt end to their conversation, she couldn't deny that during that moment she knew what had just happened.

As much as she could try to deny it, the static was that haunting melody that served as a reminder that she had no other option but to say goodbye.

But how many times did she have to say goodbye today? The radio? Informing Sergeant Barnes? And then the Howling Commandos? Briefing with the top brass? Writing up the official public announcement for tomorrow? Raising a toast to Steve? Only for the whole process to start tomorrow when the official public announcement is made.

Soon it became painfully automatic to just smile and go on about life. Leaving her in such a mess where in one given moment she could get through this, get everyone else through this...and the next, she wanted to break down completely, entirely; until there was nothing of her soul left - for it had longed to join Steve. What a rather dismaying sentiment her mind had gathered.

This was not the Peggy Carter she was. Nor the Peggy Carter Steve would've been proud of. This was the Peggy Carter on her second double shot of whiskey. Proof as to why she limited herself to one standard drink (although it now formed into two)…

Blue eyes that focused on the smooth bar-top now readjusted gaze. Instead looking over to the agent herself and coming to realize that his own attitude must be making the weight on her shoulders that much heavier. Setting his glass down and getting back up to his feet - Heels clicking against hard-wood floor, causing Peggy's head to quickly turn at hearing him shift off the stool.

No words were exchanged at first, much rather an offer of his hand to the woman alongside him. Hoping that Carter would take and allow him to take lead. Bucky attempting to lighten her own load for the evening and in hopes to do the same for him.

The bottom lip painted in her cherry red lipstick curled in between her teeth as her lashed lowered her with her gaze lowering down from his face to his hand.

Just hours ago she had promised that her and Steve would go dancing this coming Saturday. Here, at the Stork club of course. She assumed he would be here having a toast of celebration with his teammates, another victory won. And then she'd walk in, offering a quip to tease him before the rest of the night became theirs as their bodies moved together in graceful choreography; both on the dancefloor and...

Well, that dream of a lovers night had been placed on hold as fate had chosen.

Not that she was a dreamer any way, but Steve...Steve brought out the inner woman within her, the vulnerable woman that she kept hidden in order to make it in the typical man's world. What she feared made her weak (romanticising), Steve naturally brought it out in her.

"I'm no captain america, but ma'am, would you kindly accept a dance from me?" Hoarse voice and tired eyes; still managing a broken, crooked smile, that still held that Barnes' charm that came naturally with the sergeant.

There wasn't intention to try and win her heart over or anything. He was just aware that this might be able to take her mind off everything; oblivious to fact that Steve and Peggy were supposed to dance together.

Dance together here.

"If you don't wanna, that's alright," Gentle reassurance so that Peggy wouldn't feel pressured into decision. Wouldn't hold mindset of 'well, if this will make him feel better-'. "Ain't gonna be upset, promise."

His voice broke her out of her thoughts, and perhaps it was just as well since they were lingering in areas she didn't want to touch base with just yet. Placing her hand in his, she gripped it tightly, fearing if she let go she would mostly likely crumble beneath very little strength that was currently keeping her mobile.

Allowing him to lead her to the floor, she took a step or two towards him, closing what little space remained between them as her other hand lifted up to rest against the back of his shoulder. Barnes had one arm linked around waist and strategically placed to avoid touching anything that could possibly result in a slap.

Carter was something to be feared, he'd seen her act in violence from sexual slurs in basic training. Learned that lesson very quickly and he wasn't even the one to open his mouth up.

She felt the stubbled jawline of his press against her ear as the two began to sway with the music.

This was wrong. This was all wrong. It was supposed to be Steve. It was supposed to be Steve holding her like this. It was supposed to be Steve who she felt like she could melt against. It was supposed to be Steve's scent whom she was inhaling.

Yet it felt...right.

The way they moved so lightly despite the slight intoxication their bodies might be suffering from, their bodies moulding together so naturally, from the way their fingertips curled around one another to the way their chests hugged against each other...

Or perhaps this was the alcohol in Peggy doing the talking and the judging. Despite only having two glasses, it was still taken on an empty stomach.

"Hmm" she hummed softly with a faint hint of laughter in her throat. "I suppose I do owe you an apology dance after all." she murmured as a faint smile of amusement painted on her face. For once, it wasn't forced. It was a natural smile. The grief still floated in her eyes and even on her features...but the natural smile, as small as it was, managed to break through the cracks of grief.

Pulling her head back to look at him a little better, "I believe I brushed you off rather rudely at one point."

She was referring to the time she had sought out Steve on behalf of Colonel Phillips, and Sergeant Barnes was there. Typical, but she had expected this. However, her eyes had only been for Steve, even when the other soldier attempted to engage in a dance with her. But she had no interest in pursuing romantic flings...especially someone who was a known womaniser.

"You surprise me, Sergeant. I half expected you to be a terrible dancer." she very lightly teased.

"You clearly underestimate me," the sergeant playfully corrected - Forgetting for just a moment or two the harsh reality that the world was currently trying to force him to swallow. Instead focusing on hands that intertwined and bodies that pressed together almost affectionately in a sense and the calming sway of bodies.

Maybe this was all from Bucky's own drinking. Recalling that he had indeed started to feel a /little/ light headed before offering Miss Carter a dance.

"I've had my share of experience, not gonna lie. Used to step on others feet all the time - You know how embarrassing that is? To have the lady you're trying to treat and to step on her toes or ruin her shoes? Christ-" Bucky's own tired chuckle escaping parted lips.

The laughter left her lips as the soft sound mingled with the gravelly chuckle from Barnes, the amusement completely washed over her at the image of Barnes fumbling in dancing and stepping on women's toes.

With the alcohol now buzzing in her system a little more now that she wasn't sitting but on the move, the story that James had regaled her in had been one of welcomed amusement. Especially when she couldn't picture the confident James Barnes fumbling around with his steps.

"I'd say m'surprised to see that you can dance yourself- but... Well, I'd be lyin'. I'd be more shocked if you didn't know, honestly."

The laughter died from her voice but the smile remained, though turned to one of fondness at the memory she was about to regale to him. "My brother taught me how to dance. When I wasn't slaying dragons, of course." She admitted, though this might have been the first time she's ever opened up about her personal life. She hadn't gotten this far with Steve. In fact, it was the first time she spoke of her brother since his death two years ago.

Seeing as Peggy decided to offer up a chunk of her own past, Bucky personally felt it was right to exchange vulnerability. Although her smile stayed, his faltered momentarily before returning back to it's crooked placement on a stoic expression.

Brow knitting upward and it becoming clear that he didn't necessarily want to say what was bouncing in that head of his. "What, were you the lil' sister..?" That line itself hinting at what Bucky was trying to prepare himself to fess up. "Had a few siblings actually. Oldest of four. We, uh, got all mixed up.. Rebecca, my younger sister, we'd been real close until she was sent off to a boarding school and never really saw her again." a hushed tone that was evident with pain.

His past was riddled with knicks and bruises - A lot more than he liked to admit. One look at Bucky and you'd think his life was just about perfect. Admired by just about everyone and charming every gal that didn't have a ring on her finger. He was athletic, a heart of gold (nothing in comparison to Steve's, though), and a hard-worker. For the longest time, Bucky was painted to be perfect. Especially while he stuck his neck out for poor Rogers who tried to take the world on all by himself.

"Sorry, ain't meanin' to get all weepy about it. Just-... I've lost a lot and today was kinda the deal-breaker for me." Admitting reluctantly with a soft sigh.

Squeezing his hand with hers in a silent source of comfort, she pressed herself a little closer to him out of comfort. "It's been a ... trying day, for all. There's no need to apologize." she murmured softly the moment he apologized for letting his emotions get the better of him when he was speaking about his younger sister.

All the while speaking, keeping their bodies moving. Gentle sways and turns, keeping a feminine frame pressed against his own while always leaving enough room for Peggy to shove Barnes off if that was what she wanted at the time.

Making another bold move to try and shift the mood; maybe gain enough sweet laugh out of Carter to which he yearned to hear. Something so soothing in a genuine laugh from a woman. No - There was something special about the ruthless Margaret Carter allowing herself to laugh that was able to charm even Bucky Barnes.

Hook arm around waist and tightening hold on her hand just long enough to dip a slim form with a toothy grin. Keeping her supported with ease and preventing higher ranking woman to meet the cool hardwood floor underneath their feet. Keeping her suspended long enough to drown in olive eyes and smile to drop.

Awe-struck.

She didn't have much time to dwell on that sinking feeling when their swaying bodies changed pace momentarily as she felt herself being turned ever so slightly and then dipped. A gasp left her lips as she clung to him in slight surprise and to also keep herself steady in his arms. The gasp of surprise turned into a small smile - a small cheeky smile as if she was challenging him. 'Is that all you've got Barnes?' would have been the English accented quip to leave her lips had she not suddenly gone breathless and speechless beneath that toothy grin and locked blue eyes on brown.

"You continue to surprise me Sergeant Barnes." Peggy breathed out after a gentle blink of her eyes snapped her out of the orbs of blue skies she was lost in.

"Thought I told you not to underestimate me, Ma'am?" Barnes quipped back, equally matching her own slight sarcasm as his eyebrows gave a quick second raise in the teasing manner, earning a huffed out chuckle from cherry red lips before he pulled the Agent back up to her feet.

Gentle hands gripped his shoulder tightly and the palm of his hand as she felt her body being pulled back into an upright position, but she immediately closed the gap once more as Barnes's arm came around her waist again, holding her tightly to him as though he feared that she, too, would just suddenly disappear from this world. One loss today was too much, he couldn't go through another again.

Gentle swaying in time with the music, stubbled cheek pressed against soft skin as arm held tightly to woman and hand tightly to shouldered uniform of man.

"You're not alone, Barnes." Peggy's whispered the words just for him, a reminder she felt he needed to hear.

"Neither are you, Ma'am." came the gravelled reply that, perhaps, held a little too much emotion than initially intended - but enough to convey that he wasn't leaving Carter alone to deal with her loss either.

Neither were alone. They had each other. Their joined hands being proof that they're clinging to one another for strength, guidance and support. The hands that refuse to let go of one another through the storm that grief carries.


End file.
